SUBWAY DOUCHERY

SUBWAY RETRACTORY : Apparently… … I don’t...

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:43:11 -0400

SUBWAY RETRACTORY : Apparently…

… I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Judging by the comments on yesterday’s douchery:

Benjamin Kabak informed me, “If your blaming the MTA and Jay Walder, you have no idea what’s going on economically or politically.”

- Of course I don’t! I write a website with the word “douchery” in the title.. it’s not even a real word!

Anon suggested, “sooooooo wrong! Again blaming the MTA! Do you know who runs the system, not the MTA. The Union does.”

- Well Anon, I’ve seen enough mafia movies to know you don’t mess with the Union… and judging by the gigantic Union guys I see at Dunkin Donuts in the morning, my comments will still be directed towards the MTA for my own health and well being. PRO UNION! Luv u guyz!

The masterfully named Poopover will have the last word, “It’s THIS kind of anger that makes the politicians in Albany really happy…”

- You know what else makes them really happy, Poopover? SUPER HOT PROSTITUTES! Featured here: http://bit.ly/cYGH0A

Poopover went on, “They’ll go right along with you, shouting at the MTA for being greedy, while they cut tens of millions of dollars from the MTA’s budget while ridership is on the RISE.”

- Well I’ll be cold in the ground before I let Subway Douchery be a puppet of the man! But alas, The Douchery is not here for social change. It’s here for laughs (… hopefully, sometimes it sucks!) But Poopover attached the following link that Mythbusts the MTA Fare Hike from EastVillageIdiot.com (link here: http://bit.ly/f5DvO)

I read the whole thing this morning with a delightful hangover and it was excessively informative. DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE!

*** The Douchery would like to sincerely thank everyone for the comments! Keep ‘em coming! It’s keeps hope alive & it Keeps Us Douchin’ ***

**** The hang over was caused because Irish women can drink! ****

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Takin’ it to the...

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:00:05 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Takin’ it to the Streets!

Waaaaaaaaaah! Someone is leaning against a pole! Waaaaaaaah! Someone is hogging too may seats! But how about WHAT THE FUTCH, MTA?!?! You are raising fares after you cut services across the board?!?! I know you got us by the balls but do you have to squeeze so hard???

We pay more, we wait more, and we get less service… ahhh the American way! Some day we’ll tell our children what we paid to ride the trains and they’ll laugh about our antiquated underground choo-choo’s… as they scoot away on their hover boards. Unless the 2012 apocalypse comes, then we don’t have much to worry about!

The MTA must love this site. It completely diverts attention from the real and true Subway Douchery that they provide on a daily basis with no truly believable explanation. If their budget were made of jerks, they’d have a surplus.

Final Thought: The Chairman of the MTA Jay Walder makes about half a million dollars a year. From all of us here at Subway Douchery… FUCK YOU, JAY WALDER!

*** This picture is from The Douchery Reserve taken this morning at Bryant Park. Keep hope alive & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Grease the pole! Mmmmhmmm… Bringing...

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 11:31:42 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Grease the pole!

Mmmmhmmm… Bringing back the faux hawk? Hell yeah! Although it doesn’t work with your hair type, you will use chemicals against the will of God to achieve the style! Gap Jeans? FUTCH YEAH! You fell into the Gap years ago and never saw one good reason to climb back out! The only way to complete this is to pop the top! For the following reasons:

1.) Show off the vague suggestion of fleshy muscle tone.

2.) It’s the perfect way to compliment the Black Eyed Peas Back-Up Keyboardist look you’re avidly cultivating.

3.) The Clincher: Rub your greasy back all over the pole. So people on the train after the pole will touch your back grease and wonder, “Is this pole greasy? Nahhh… must just be the humidity…

… but it wasn’t humidity… it was your back grease. Thanks for looking out!

*** Thanks to everyone’s favorite lady in the world, Beth Ann! From now on I won’t be touching anything on the subway! Let it loose & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Hold Tight! - Don’t stop...

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 10:57:58 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Hold Tight!

- Don’t stop believin’… hold on to that feeling! - Journey

- Hold on for one more day! - Wilson Philips

- Hold me closer tiny dancer! - Elton John

- I got you in a strangle hold baby! - Ted Nugent

- I wanna hold your…. - The Beatles

… and now other classic songs about New York City with lyrics that could possibly apply… at a stretch!

- In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of… there’s nothing you can’t do! - H O V A with Alicia Keys

- …then the glitter rubs off and your nowhere. - From On Broadway by George Benson

- Whisper how I’m yearning, to mingle with the old time throng… - From Give My Regards to Broadway by George M. Cohen

- King of the hill! Top of the list! Head of the heap! - Frank Sintra

… and finally!

He’s got the whole world in his hands! - Traditional

*** Oh we really milked this puppy for all it was worth! Thank you to hilarious New York Comedian Jason Burke for catching this hot tamale! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Trinity Now I would never condone...

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 10:39:00 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Trinity

Now I would never condone violence or robbery against another human being… I’m a peace loving individual that would lend a helping hand to anyone in need… but if me, Mother Teresa, & Jesus H. Christ were hanging out in the subway and saw this King of Geniuses get cold cocked and then subsequently robbed off all his eletronics… the immediate dialogue would go as follows:

Mother Teresa: “Yeah… that’s a shame.”

Jesus H. Christ: “Well… you make your bed you sleep in it, Teresy! Who’s Hungry?”

Tom Sibley: “I’m hungry, Jesus! I just hope someone got a picture for my website, SubwayDouchery.com!”

The end. Bring on the apocalypse!

*** Thank you, McTheater! Peace be with you for sending in this picture. Go in peace & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Long Strange Trip Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Jeezie...

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 11:00:05 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Long Strange Trip

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Jeezie Chreezie… I picked one hell of a day to try acid. First time in New York City and this was a mistake. This was a horrible… horrifying mistake. My buddy was like, “Come on man, expand your mind. Explore the space of what’s reeeeeaaaal!” I didn’t know what the hell that meant but I figured it could be a fun wayto spend a Saturday. Now he’s nowhere to be found, last I saw him he was hanging out with these two: http://bit.ly/c07jzT

… and I’m about to be consumed by a Nickelodeon Tsunami of Colors, Innocence, and Enthusiasm…. just breath… I wish I had some orange slices…. why does Dora the Explorer always have to look sooo friggin’ smug… does she think she’s better than me… Hello Kitty… I think she has X-Ray eyes that can see through my pants… I gotta get off this train… next stop Times Square… that should be a cool calm place to come down…

*** Daniel, my brother, thank you for these set of pics. And thanks for the dose! Peace & Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Tragic Hero We’ve all been...

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:12:43 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Tragic Hero

We’ve all been there! Sometimes life can hit you with a one-two punch to the gut and before you can bring yourself up by the bootstraps… you gotta live like this guy. Drink to the point that your tears are made of booze… and then basically, emotionally implode on yourself… until you end up on the floor of public transit… shoes scattered about willy nilly… the superfluous umbrella because you wanted the rain to fall down upon your head… fuck it, take off your socks and throw them into the throbbing abyss… WHO NEEDS ‘EM!!!

… now lay in wait for death’s comforting embrace. Don’t mind the people climbing over you… don’t mind the lady that intentionally put her toe in your ribs… don’t mind the fact that you are twenty four years old and still have a lot of pleasure AND pain in your lengthy future. So get your dumb doughy ass off the floor, shake it off, and NEVER do this again!

*** Today’s photo all that way from JAPAN! Doumo Arigatou, Minoka! Send everything you got & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Meet The Xylopholks! Previously...

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:04:03 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Meet The Xylopholks!

Previously featured:

SUBWAY BROKEN DREAMERY : Tangy & Zesty http://bit.ly/cFaW3X

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Tangy, Zesty & Furious Frog http://bit.ly/cuVEXG

The Douchery Inbox received this following email from our new favorite band:

Hi there -

It’s Skunky - errr Brian? Zesty. Jon!

I lead the group called the Xylopholks.

You’ve posted a couple of pictures of us on your website.Might it be possible to get a repost with the actual name of the band?It just came to my attention because people thought the posted bandwas a rip-off band of my band. While I’d love to believe there a numberof fuzzy ragtime bands out there - I don’t think it’s the case (at least playing underground)
I would super-appreciate a repost with the name Xylopholks if possible
Keep up the remarkable site!
Yours,Skunky/Jon

A repost with the actual band name?!?!? Plug your website and facebook?!?!?! Zesty, your wish is my command. And although you claim to be named Skunky/Jon, you will always be Zesty in our hearts.

Soooo check ‘em out at Xylopholks.com and Facebook.com/Xylopholks! As far as I know they don’t do Furries Sex Shows but hey the music bizz is tough so you never know!

They are playing TONIGHT July 20th at the CORNELIA St. Cafe NYC Located at 29 Cornelia St. 10pm!

*** Keep on doin’ that Ragtime music that all the kids are into & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Bag Lady - Well… my reccuring...

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 10:22:19 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Bag Lady

- Well… my reccuring “How to Dispose of a Dead Prostitute” nightmare has finally seeped into reailty.

- … I think the old man did it.

- There has to be a better way to transport sex robots.

- Is that Kanye West’s girlfriend, Amber Rose? http://bit.ly/aaa50m

- I’m really trying to avoid eye contact… and arousal.

- A production still from M. Night Shyamalan’s remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Stranger on a Train…

- … remake titled Strangers on a Train with a Dead Lady in a Bag. It’ll probably be as good as his last three movies.

- If You See Something, Say Something… or in this case If You See Something, Curl Up In A Foetal Position And Start Sucking Your Thumb.

- I know walking in heels is suppose to be difficult but this is a bit much.

- I think it just winked at me! 20 years of good luck!

*** Baboooom! Thanks to Will for sending in a perfect recreation of my nightmares. Check out his blog http://willzone.tumblr.com! Forever & always Keep on Douchin’ ***

FRIENDS OF THE DOUCHERY : Thanks Slater! Here’s a new...

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 11:38:14 -0400

FRIENDS OF THE DOUCHERY : Thanks Slater!

Here’s a new feature that might catch on like wild fire… or like Crystal Pepsi. FRIENDS OF THE DOUCHERY would love pictures featuring you! Either like Slater pictured above giving the ol’ Joaquin Phoenix Gladiator Thumbs Down or any other creative ways you can think to do it… as long as The Douchery knows it was taken exclusively for us! All forms of public transit encouraged.

- Will there be prizes? NOPE! This ain’t The Giving Tree… but give it time.

- Will this be fun? Too early to tell… it could be a flop or a blast.

- Any incentive whatsoever?!?!? Stop asking so many questions!!!

Keep on Douchin’

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Meet the cast of Friends Best Friends?...

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 10:38:30 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Meet the cast of Friends

Best Friends? Check! Fun in the sun? On our way! Looking like an underage Coors Light commercial? Tapping the rockies! We are gonna have sooooo much fun today! Almost tooooooo much fun! But why does the fun have to wait?!?!? Let’s kick it off on the train and sit on our old school ironic lawn chairs our now deceased family members used to sit it on! I’m pretty sure everyone is staring at us because they are sooooooo jealous.. or maybe we’re obnoxious, I can’t tell!

O…..M……G…. did Carissa just take a picture of Bryce doing his HILARIOUS impression of Shades from That Thing You Do (http://bit.ly/bZGAKZ) CLASSIC! I can tell you That Thing I’m Gonna Do… put these pics on Facebook as soon as we get above ground! Isn’t life just amazing when you are so young, care free, and supple… *sigh* Then why are all the other passengers staring like they wanna murder us?

*** Enjoy those summer feelings because they’ll be gone before you know it! Thank you to dear dearer dearest friend of The Douchery comedian Ryan Mckee (hilarious: http://ryanmckee.tumblr.com/) Always & forever, Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Oi! Oi! Oi! OI! I’m on me...

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 11:12:00 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Oi! Oi! Oi!

OI! I’m on me fookin’ holiday from a miscellaneous village in the U.K. and it’s steamier than bangers n’ mash in a fookin’ sauna in this city! So now I’m The Pop of the Tops! I don’t know how you yanks do it! I just had fifteen pints at a local pub called Dave & Busters and still haven’t cooled down! Watchin’ all those prancin’ puffs on that Dance Dance Revolution did get the ol’ blood boilin’ a bit…

… then me tartin’ slag of a woman starts givin’ me the ol’ chin wag about how she wants to take the tube down village to go to the shops! I tell ‘er we already got I *heart* NY night toppers and a lit’le Statue of Liberties.. what the fook else could this city possibly have? But if I’m gonna be in this swealt’erin’ tube I’m goin’ Birthday Shirt! I challenge any of these New York Ferries to give me the ol’ Butcher’s Hook… cause I’ll head butt ‘um back into 1775 when we still had ya under our boots!

*** Picture submitted by outstandingly hilarious comedian Peter Moses. Check him out at Facebook.com/PeterMoses , he’s the Top of the Pops! Keep on Douchin’ ***

**** PLUG IT UP : Check out http://www.GhettoMyspace.net for literal hours of laughter! ****

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Good Life Nothing like a day at the...

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:51:15 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Good Life

Nothing like a day at the beach… but all good things must come to an end. So wrap yourself in the favorited Cowabunga Scooby Doo beach towel, pop in those iPod ear buds, and stretch out as if you were a conquering king coming home from a victorious battle. Feel free to rest your head in your girl’s lap, although she’s sitting like an adult that has self respect and social grace, she didn’t play frisbee for almost a half hour! In fact, you should ask her to gently brush the hair from your forehead…

Why does she seem so distant and dissatisfied? Don’t trouble yourself with such trivial concerns!!! She is just fine. No way could she be imagining a better life with a man that knows how to sit up straight and doesn’t use your lap as a drool pillow. Perhaps a man that doesn’t magically have time to go to the beach on a Wednesday because his paying job gets in the way. Or at least a man that doesn’t have a surfin’ Scooby friggin’ Doo wrapped over his crotch… Nahhhhhhh, she’s sooo into you!

*** Hang ten! Thank you to John for sending in this summmer time classic! Feel the breeze & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : F O U L You go girl! Change that...

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 10:46:16 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : F O U L

You go girl! Change that gigantic baby’s poopy diaper for all the world to see! I always thought they should have changing stations installed within these subway cars. You never know when you are gonna get a whiff of somethin’ funky comin’ from those Huggies! That’s when a fold down Baby Changin’ Station would come in handy! You don’t even need to make room just get rid of those bull crap handicap seats!

But since the MTA is so tight with a buck, you’re forced to do the changin’ right on the subway bench that hundreds of thousands of people have sat on and will have to sit on for years to come. You may get a few looks from these tight ass New York Sisyphuses because they think it’s unsightly and WILDLY UNSANITARY!!!!! But they can go eat a can or organic beans, because you are a mother and that gives you the right to do whatever the hell you want!

*** GROSS! EWWW! Thanks Fraida! Gag reflex! Hell of a capture though! As always, Keep on Douchin’ ***

In honor of the release of Predators, here's a SUBWAY DOUCHERY classic featuring the Predator...

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:04:44 -0400

In honor of the release of Predators, here's a SUBWAY DOUCHERY classic featuring the Predator...

SUBWAY DOUBLE DARING : He’s goin’ for...

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 10:39:32 -0400

SUBWAY DOUBLE DARING : He’s goin’ for it…

… Mark Summers Style! After not being able to answer the question, “What kind of idiot hijacks a shopping cart and then tries to take it on the subway?” This gentleman had no choice but to accept… THE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE! A challenge he was more than willing to accept! He opted for the Frontside Lower Down with a Yellow Tied Basket. Not an easy move, the shopping cart can be difficult to control while lowering it down the treacherous subway stairs. One, because it’s on wheels. Two, because it’s a friggin’ shopping cart that’s suppose to stay in the parking lot of whatever store it belonged to!

But this gentleman makes it look easy… Encompassing that free wheelin’ New York spirit! Concrete jungle where there’s nothing you can’t do… like bring a shopping cart onto the subway with a body language that reads, “Yes, I am bringing this on the subway. No, I don’t have a problem with it and if you do… better keep it to yourself.”

*** Thank you to the beautiful Sophia for sending in this Double Daring classic! Also thanks to SnorgTees.com for making the shirt! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Webster ” Have you ever seen a...

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 13:39:27 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Webster

” Have you ever seen a one trick pony out in the field so happy and free…” - Bruce Springsteen

The life of a performer… how do you turn it on… when did you ever turn it off… Spiderman is there for us when we want our picture taken with friends and family in Times Square. He’s there to strike a pose and give a heroic wave to the children. But when the daylight fades and the crowds disperse, Spiderman is left to make his own way home tugging a cart filled with forgotten treasures and a costume that smells like Beef Noodle soup.

We only see the glamor. We don’t see the struggle.. the countless child support payments.. the irrevocable mistakes… the inevitable swamp ass that accompanies wearing full body suit made of polyester in the dead heat of summer. He’ll ride the rails taking in our smirks and stares but in his heavy heart he knows… he did it for us.

*** A Ram Jam goes to Andy for sending in this beautiful photo. Thank you & Keep on Douchin’ ***

**** For a goodtime, follow @Gr8BandNames on Twitter! ****

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The 7-10 Split - Although there was an...

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 10:39:00 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The 7-10 Split

- Although there was an open seat next to him, Brian always preferred to live dangerously.

- Hmm… his pole is curved too!

- Brian did an erotic “shimmy” to get into the seated position.

- I’ve heard of Balls of Steel but this is a bit much.

- Desperately unhappy with fatherhood but hating hospitals, Brian decided to give himself a Subway Vasectomy.

- “Wait… you’re suppose to hold the pole with your hands and NOT your thighs? Is my face red?!?!” - Brian

- A better and safer way to hide a Subway Erection is to wear jeans instead of slacks.

- Brian is actually showing solidarity with this guy: http://bit.ly/cyk5Os

- Seats always seemed to confuse him. A few stops earlier, he sat backwards with the pole between his ass cheeks. At least this is a step in the right direction.

- “THAT’S GOTTA HURT!” - George Costanza

*** Thanks to Jennifer @ Jenniferbatinich.blogspot.com for sending this dynamite snap shot! The entire Douchery family had a hearty laugh at this one! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Drugs are Cool - Heroin: It’s for...

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 10:35:42 -0400

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Drugs are Cool

- Heroin: It’s for winners!

- I don’t think Sarah has changed that much since meeting her Boyfriend, Zephyr… although she hasn’t been back to Connecticut in two years.

- Does this picture make anyone else want to do laundry?

- Soooooooo…. that whole hippie thing is certainly going well???

- Listen kids, when your mother and I were in our twenties, we were in to expanding our minds… and state sponsored unemployment.

- After that nice couple woke up they gave me a brownie… now I can’t stop smiling and rubbing my chest.

- I’ve never slept that well and I own a bed with four pillows.

- Next stop, Rehab Town! With a quick transfer at MoreHeroinVille!

- The bench Purell’d itself after they left.

- White girls with dreadlocks just look confused.

*** Thanks to David for sending in this adorable picture! Stay Clean & Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY WOOFERY : It ain’t me, babe… Let me...

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:11:59 -0400

SUBWAY WOOFERY : It ain’t me, babe…

Let me explain something to you… I’m a fucking dog! Do you think I bought a MetroCard and swiped it with my gigantic furry paw? Do you think I wanna be lying on this floor that smells like the urine from at least seven different species? Do you think I wanna be covered in fur when it’s ninety degrees outside? I was on my third post-treat nap of the early afternoon, when my owner bellowed, “It’s such a beautiful day, we should go for a walk!” I knew that sounded like bad news for ol’ Ruffington here so I promptly climbed into my oversized Pet Porter and passed gas…

Next thing I know I’m walking onto a subway car and everyone is starring at me like I’m some mythical creature from an enchanted forrest. Listen here New Yorkers, just because all of your dogs can fit in Louis Vuitton purses doesn’t mean the rest of the country doesn’t hang with big dogs like myself! And before you ask, yes my father was The Beast in the family comedy smash hit The Sandlot. (http://bit.ly/bJy0aX) How else do you think I can afford to live on the Upper East Side?

*** Picture barked in by Brian and originally posted on WestsideIndependent.com! Keep on Douchin’ ***