SUBWAY DOUCHERY

Skateboard Douchery : Tom Sibley Pro Skater

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 13:51:41 -0500

Skateboard Douchery : Tom Sibley Pro Skater

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Magical Mystery Dude sigh After a long...

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 12:33:17 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Magical Mystery Dude

*sigh* After a long day at the office, spreading fairy dust and leading a fantasy parade down Magic Street, my dogs are barking! Luckily Stuffed Pepperz the Dog isn’t barking. I wouldn’t want everyone on the train to be staring at me like I’m some kind of psycho with a dog! Nothing like a little quiet time on the subway to contemplate costume changes, mystical Shakespeare quotes, and compiling lists of enemies to curse.

I can never remember how many stops to the 4th dimension… also known as Queens Plaza! HA! Kidding! Seriously though, how many stops until Queens Plaza? The only Duane Reade in the city that has Stuff Pepperz favorite treats is a few blocks from there.

*** I came across this picture because I follow @Morgan_Murphy via Twitter. She’s a comedian and writer for Jimmy Fallon. Follow her! She was just interviewed for Comic’s Comic (http://thecomicscomic.typepad.com/thecomicscomic/2010/03/meet-me-in-new-york-morgan-murphy.html#more) where this pic was featured! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : … and the winner is … Ut oh!...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 13:14:08 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : … and the winner is …

Ut oh! Looks like someone had a bit too much fun at the Oscar party! How could you hold back?!?! Katherine Bigelow, the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Director! It’s almost like when Obama won the presidency, except it’s meaningless! No worries, after a few dozen drinks just stretch out on the always comfortable stairs of Penn Station. It’s not illegal or unsanitary or scary…. it’s completely acceptable!

I see you took the proper precautions before sleeping in public. First, you took out your cell phone and placed it next to you. Just in case someone calls, you don’t have to go fumbling into your well fitting pants to retrieve it. Second, comfort is key. Make sure you roll that shirt up and let your gut be FREE! Making sure it has the air that it needs for you to sleep as well as possible. And let’s be honest, it gives all the ladies a flash of coming attractions!

*** The real winner is Christopher B. for sending in this Oscar worthy picture! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Seats are confusing. I totally agree,...

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 10:06:42 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Seats are confusing.

I totally agree, sir! Seats are confusing! I never know where my ass is suppose to go, where my legs are suppose to hang, if I should be sitting up right, if I should be hanging up side down like I’m friggin’ Batman, it never ends! The subway seats should have directions so mishaps like this don’t occur. You try to catch a couple of Z’s and end up looking like a confused college Freshman trying to pass out at a frat party.

As each person enters the train and witnesses your makeshift Butthole Field Goal, they completely understand your plight! Who hasn’t found themselves in this precarious position at least once in their lifetime? Where they completely lose all forms of moral and social standards and forget the proper way to sit down!

*** This picture was provided by the one…. the only…. ADAM SCHNEIDER! You can check out his webpage at http://www.AboutSchneider.com You’ve seen him in commercials for sure. Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : God’s Top Representative Who am I?...

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 12:05:58 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : God’s Top Representative

Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of my existence? I found myself pondering these very questions and by divine intervention, the good Lord sent his TOP REPRESENTATIVE to answer them all! The naked woman (pictured above) paced the platform muttering pearls of wisdom about Jesus, the apocalypse, and her unique fashion sense. I intrinsically understood that clothing would only cloud her very specific message of…. something. Frankly, my eyes did all the listening.

In the subway system, religious zealots often wear robes and stand on soap boxes screaming that gay marriage is going to make the Earth explode. Scientologists are eager to give back rubs and stress tests. But this Woman of the Faith subscribes to the Less Talk, More Flesh school of religion. I’m sure everyone in heaven is high fivin’ that this future saint is spreading the Word!

*** It’s gettin’ hot in here… so take off all yo’ clothes… A round of applause for Andy S. sending in this steamer of a pic! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Phenomenal Parenting “Teach your...

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:46:39 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Phenomenal Parenting

“Teach your children well…” Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

No one ever said parenting would be easy, but these parents make it look effortless! Instead putting their screaming daughter on her own two feet… instead of barring her from making an obnoxious scene… instead of shaming her into silence… they let this three foot terror roll around on PUBLIC TRANSIT FLOORS, which I am sure is about as healthy as drinking water out of a urinal, and completely run/ruin their lives.

Their theory? Let her scream it out! Allow her little lungs to really explore the acoustics of Grand Central Station! Eventually she will realize that Mommy & Daddy don’t approve of this behavior, even though:

1. A crowd of international tourists began to gather around them snapping pictures and taking video.

2. An experienced looking grandmother type (a.k.a a friggin’ STRANGER!) tried to pick their daughter off the ground but was batted off by the child.

3. The police had to get involved!

“… and know they love you!” - Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

*** This picture came from the Douchery Blue Label Reserve. Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Losing My Dignity I can’t believe...

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:49:11 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Losing My Dignity

I can’t believe we are this stuffed! I finally know how these people feel! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk2R_mqV4ts) I’ve lost all humanity. At least no one will have the brass cajones and attempt to get on at the next stop… wait…. what the hell is this girl thinking?!? Unless she used to be a defensive lineman, there is no way she’s going to get on this train. Is she a wizard magically creating space where there is none?

SHE JUST GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK! Listen honey, you are not special. I’ve already swallowed all my dignity just being on this train. There is NOWHERE for any of us to move other than inside of each other. Those doors have to close. This isn’t San Francisco! (http://www.mayoff.com/5-01cablecarDCP01887.jpg) Uncle Jesse and Joey aren’t there as “a hand to hold on to!”

p.s. The Joker called, he wants his jacket back.

*** Today’s picture came from The Douchery Private Reserve Collection. Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS IS HAPPENING! Okay.. so tomorrow I...

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 12:08:19 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS IS HAPPENING!

Okay.. so tomorrow I have to do my laundry, I really need to hit the grocery….OH MY GOD! This is not happening. This can’t be happening. This IS happening. They aren’t really gonna… Oh my god! I am pretty sure I just saw insertion…. Stay calm. Stare straight ahead. Under no circumstances will I look in that direction again…. Oh no! I just looked! That can’t be comfortable! How is he gyrating so much? LOOK AWAY!

Just going to take out my John Grisham and ignore this until the next stop…. wait are they talking dirty? I just heard a groan. I’m gonna be sick… CRAP! I just looked again! My god, I’ve never enjoyed anything as much as these two psychos are enjoying a good bone session on a public train. I wish I could be that uninhibited. NO! They are gross. I want nothing to do with this… Just going to take out my iPod put on some Maxwell and move closer to the free sex show!

*** Wow. Brought to my attention by Tuan. Originally tweeted by@NaeGotChuBusinn Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Limbo Stretch The hamstrings. Perhaps...

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 11:05:29 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Limbo Stretch

The hamstrings. Perhaps one of the most important muscles to stretch and BY GOD you make it look EASY! All that’s missing from your pre-workout stretch is a game controller, a bag of Doritos, and a flat screen. Not only are you taking care of your body, you make it look cool…. damn near SEXY! Rocking a mullet, skinny jeans (which you’ve obviously earned the right to wear), and brining back the 80’s androgynous look because I can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl!

If you picked any other train car, you would be considered Grade A JerkMeat for mashing your dirty friggin’ feet all over the bar and limiting passable space for others to enter and exit the train. Lucky for you, this train is filled with professional limbo dancers that would be happy to use your makeshift limbo stick. Are you available for weddings and birthday parties?

*** The douchery is back from Los Angeles, and we got a hot one from Yung! Thanks for the pic, thanks for looking out, and as always Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Parisian Walk of Shame Wow…. we...

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 10:24:43 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Parisian Walk of Shame

Wow…. we really drank a lot last night! It was so cool of you to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed! SUCH A GOOD FRIEND!!! You were really out cold though… What’s that? Oh, you look fine! No need to check yourself in the mirror. In fact, I’d stay away from all reflective surfaces until we get home! Take a cab? No way! You are looking so good let’s show you off on le metro! I look like crap but you look like you’re going to a swanky french brunch! BEST EUROPEAN VACATION EVER!

Huh? I don’t know why everyone keeps smirking at you. I think you had so much fun last night that you are giving off a glow! The glow of a woman really coming into her own!

*** This champion of a pic came all the way from GAY PAREE! (..paris) From international reader and lady of mystery Liana B. THANKS! Keep on Douche’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Electric Jerkaloo! Christmas came early...

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 13:07:05 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Electric Jerkaloo!

Christmas came early this year! Found this piece of dynamite in my mailbox and just couldn’t wait to share it! Three easy dances move to be a huge jerk and almost kick a poor woman in the face!

STEP ONE! If this was 1983 and we were filming Wild Style, the One Hand Balance/Air Runner would be the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen! But 27 years later, it just looks like your hand is stuck to floor and you are trying to run in circles like a Daffy Duck cartoon.

STEP 2! JUMPING OVER YOUR OWN LEG?!?!? BA-BOOOOOOM! Although I’ve seen middle aged men do this at weddings, it’s a great way to prep for the big finale!

STEP 3! We’ve come this far and now comes the coup de grace! The Round Off Subway Bar Back Tuck! Hell…. you’ve been training for tourists in front of the New York Public Library for weeks, and now is the culmination of all your efforts! Make sure to scare the living shit out of the poor woman that has been desperately trying to ignore you with her face buried in a magazine. Land on both feet, do an awkward elbow bow, walk away smooth.

Here’s a tip: Make sure you are surrounded by little homies, it’s a good way to build confidence & give back to the community.

*** Give it up for the one, the only Champ Creed! He made this bananas video, check out his YouTube page http://www.youtube.com/user/ChampCreed Forever and always, Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Overhead Compartment Yeah,...

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 11:18:00 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Overhead Compartment

Yeah, it’s fine! Just stuff your crap in those bars hanging from the ceiling! Haven’t you ever been on a plane? It’s the same concept, except there is no stewardess or cocktail peanuts. Is it safe?!?!? Does the Pope shit in the woods?!?! OF COURSE IT’S SAFE! If anything goes flying, I got the reflexes of a friggin’ switchblade! I’ll catch it and stuff it back in the bag faster than you can say, “This is a terrible idea!” What do you mean you’ve never seen anyone do this before? Well….neither have I! But that just means we are goddam URBAN PIONEERS!

STOP WORRYING!!! Our pizza will be fine. (Look closely, these idiots did in fact put a pizza up there) Don’t forget heat rises! Since our pizza is so close to the roof of the subway, all that heat is just going to bounce back onto our pie! Hell, it’ll be just as hot as when it came out of the oven. Some people think you get dumber with age, but not me! I’m a four-alarm-fuckin’-GENIUS! Why is everyone looking at us funny?

*** This picture was submitted by the intoxicatingly beautiful Celina Carvajal. Check her out at http://www.CelinaCarvajal.com Keep on Douchin’ ***

Being a jerk on stage.

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 14:07:42 -0500

Being a jerk on stage.

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Buffalo Wild Wing! I can’t think of...

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:51:01 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Buffalo Wild Wing!

I can’t think of anything more nutritious/socially acceptable for a kid to be eating on the subway than BUFFALO WINGS! Slather on some WAAAAANG sauce and a couple dippers of BLUUUE CHEEEZE and have at it! Don’t worry about napkins or any semblance of hygiene for that matter, just gross everyone out with your ferocious eating habits and sauce covered fingers! Who says 15% of America’s kids are overweight and that number is increasing at an alarming rate?!?! The American Obesity Association, that’s who! http://www.obesity.org/

Little lady, when your finished don’t concern yourself with throwing out the chicken bones and Styrofoam container. Didn’t your momma teach you, cleaning up after yourself is for LOSERS! Just spike it on the floor like a game winning touch down! Rub your buffalo crusted hands on anything close by and get on with your day! After all that eating, I bet you are ready for a nap! Might as well stretch out on the bench and sleep off those WAAAANGS!

***Put your paws together for Meredith T. and the absolutely repulsive pictures she sent in! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Cutest Couple They first met about three...

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 11:16:00 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Cutest Couple

They first met about three minutes ago, when the lady reading the paper refused to move her bag and then returned to her Canarsie Digest. The girl with the hat immediately fell in love…or began to have a mental break down like Michael Douglas in Falling Down (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106856/) She wanted to get closer to her new friend, and became jealous of her precious cargo that was taking up a seat. So she playfully…or spitefully…or furiously…wedged herself next to her new BFF!

Look at that body language and crooked smile…to some it may look like simmering anger towards a woman who thinks her bag bought a fucking MetroCard and some how deserves a seat on a crowded train…but I know the real story. It’s a LOVE STORY! Some day these two will laugh about this while carving pumpkins with their grandchildren!

***This photo was sent in by the lovely Victoria J. Thank you for such a beautiful shot! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS WAS YOUR BIG CHANCE! “Sexual...

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:16:00 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS WAS YOUR BIG CHANCE!

“Sexual Harassment is a crime in the subway, too!” The MTA’s catchy/frighteningly obvious new slogan has been all the rage with posters and daily announcements. But then whoops! Metro New York reported that a piece of human garbage (those are my words, they used “man”) “…shoved his crotch against a woman then touched her shoulder. The piece of human garbage then walked toward Warren (pictured above) and she shouted ‘Don’t you fucking touch me, you pervert.’ “

The guy was then stopped from boarding another train until the police got there. When they arrived, he continued to fondle himself but the police didn’t arrest him because they said he was “crazy.” OF COURSE! The crazy defense always works in movies, why not reality?

The MTA & NYPD will now be changing their slogan to, “Sexual Harassment is a crime in the subway, too! Unless you act crazy, then you’ll be free to go! No questions asked. Happy Hunting!”

In other news, the lady pictured above is working the modern Annie Hall look. Obviously, she got herself jazzed up for her Metro New York “almost molested” photo shoot. But if someone sent me that same picture but she was on her cell phone, I’d totally write about it!

***I used today Tuesday February 9, 2010 Metro New York. The article was written by Amy Zimmer & the photo was taken by Emily Anne Epstein.

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Movin’ in? I wasn’t aware...

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:09:22 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Movin’ in?

I wasn’t aware today was move in day! Alright, I’ll call the super and see if we can get access to the freight elevators. What kind of cargo are we dealing with? Ahh, miscellaneous plastic bags. Good thing! You can never have too many shopping bags, that’s what I always say! I like how you’ve spread your luggage out. Good way to maximize the space! Let everyone on this 5p.m. rush hour train know tough noogies! YOU NEED THE ROOM!

I hope you don’t mind me asking but what is that fascinating fragrance emanating from your belongings? It’s a delightful mix of bug spray and a sweet and sour medley that I can’t put my finger on but it’s triggering my gag reflex in the most intriguing way! The aroma seems to have enchanted the rest of the train car judging by many of the other passengers holding their noses and making faces like they just sucked a lemon. Who says moving is unpleasant?!?!

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Captain Clipper Wow…is he...

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:11:00 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Captain Clipper

Wow…is he really….please tell me…GROSS! The puker featured last Monday (http://www.subwaydouchery.com/post/365283120) might not have been drunk at all. He was probably sitting across from ol’ Finger Nails Fred here! The audacity to whip out a pair of nail clippers and give yourself a makeshift manicure on public transit. Just the thought, that as you were walking out the door you made sure you had your keys, your wallet, and your clippers just in case the digits needed a touch up! It is a relief that pictures don’t come with audio because the sound would be enough to turn my spine to glass!

No need to worry about the clippings! Just let them jettison any which way! The rest of us will dive for cover because they are the sanitary equivalent of live grenades! Whatever happened to reading a book, listening to an iPod, or even just blankly staring off into space. The precision on this gentleman’s face during his favorite hobby is enough to make you lose faith in humanity. UNACCEPTABLE!

…and you could fit a Thanksgiving turkey between those legs!

***A round of applause for Brian B. I’ve received lots of pictures of people clipping their nails on the subway. But none captured this atrocity as well as Brian’s. Keep on Douchin’ my man! Keep on Douchin’ ***

DOUCHERY PICK OF THE WEEK! Hope everyone is having a kick ass...

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 12:12:37 -0500

DOUCHERY PICK OF THE WEEK!

Hope everyone is having a kick ass Friday! Want to have a kick ass Saturday?!?! Come to LEGION BAR in Williamsburg Saturday night at 7:30pm!

SUBWAY DOUCHERY presents…

THE MACGYVER SHOW hosted by TOM SIBLEY (The jerk that created SubwayDouchery.com)

Featuring:

Jesse Popp (Premium Blend, NY Times, One of the funniest guys in the city)

Michael Terry ( Onion News Network, Super Sexy Salt and Pepper Hair)

Dan Wilbur (COMIX, The Dreams of Angels)

Meg Cupernall (Gotham Comedy Club, Marymount Manhattan Faculty, Sister Act)

Ben Kissel (The Brain & The Beast Podcast, A Gigantic Man with a Gigantic Heart)

Robert Dean (Best set of eye brows a man has ever had)

The beer is cheap as sin! The laughter will be all over the walls!

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Welcome to the Sex Train…Feel the...

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:52:00 -0500

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Welcome to the Sex Train…Feel the Breeze!

Make ‘em say UHHHHH! NA NA NA NAAA! Is it hot on this train or is it the sexual magnetism causing particles to vibrate?!?! This man is sensuality concentrate! I thought I was getting on a 6 train, but I walked in on a dude’s photo shoot…minus a photographer, proper lighting, and worthy subject. This photo inspired John Mayer’s homoerotic Rolling Stone cover. (http://art8amby.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/rolling-stone-feb-04-2010-john-mayer.jpg)

Get those expensive boots all over that seat! Try to make the seat as dirty as your perfectly crushed jeans are supposed to look. Don’t worry, I got gallons of Purell Hand Sanitizer! You’ve had a few drinks and you want to treat public transit like your crushed velvet couch. You are the man women want….to move far away from….and men want to be…sure your not going to hit on them.

*** Photo courtesy of Leonard S. taken on Thanksgiving Day! Hot pic my friend, hot pic! Keep on Douchin’ ***

SUBWAY DOUCHERY

Skateboard Douchery : Tom Sibley Pro Skater

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Magical Mystery Dude *sigh* After a long...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : … and the winner is … Ut oh!...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Seats are confusing. I totally agree,...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : God’s Top Representative Who am I?...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Phenomenal Parenting “Teach your...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Losing My Dignity I can’t believe...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS IS HAPPENING! Okay.. so tomorrow I...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Limbo Stretch The hamstrings. Perhaps...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Parisian Walk of Shame Wow…. we...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Electric Jerkaloo! Christmas came early...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Overhead Compartment Yeah,...

Being a jerk on stage.

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Buffalo Wild Wing! I can’t think of...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Cutest Couple They first met about three...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS WAS YOUR BIG CHANCE! “Sexual...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Movin’ in? I wasn’t aware...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Captain Clipper Wow…is he...

DOUCHERY PICK OF THE WEEK! Hope everyone is having a kick ass...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Welcome to the Sex Train…Feel the...

SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Magical Mystery Dude sigh After a long...