SUBWAY URINARY : We’re very pissappointed in you.
Dearest Son,
Hello, Jeffery. I hope this letter finds you well. Your mother and I saw a picture of you on a website called Subway Train Douche Baggins or something to that effect. In the picture, you were sleeping on a subway car at nine in the morning. And apparently, you had soiled yourself. Although the face was blurred, a parent knows their child. And your mother has the same Arms Crossed/Wish Bone Legged style of sleeping. I must say we are greatly disappointed in you.
When I was your age, I too would go out for a couple of light beers with pals on a Friday night. But I always slept in a bed. And I always “pissed” in a toilet. Neither of which you seemed able to accomplish. Maybe the big city lights are blinding you from your goal of becoming a professional actor. I’ve watched several episodes of Sex In The City on the Home Box Office… I know what goes on. Perhaps you should return to your roots here in Moosic, PA and work at the Subaru dealership with your old man.
In closing, don’t literally and figuratively “piss” your life away. That is all.
Your Father,
Dad
*** A wild and wet one sent in by the always lovely Acasia. What a find! Keep on Douchin’ ***
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