SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Electric Jerkaloo!
Christmas came early this year! Found this piece of dynamite in my mailbox and just couldn’t wait to share it! Three easy dances move to be a huge jerk and almost kick a poor woman in the face!
STEP ONE! If this was 1983 and we were filming Wild Style, the One Hand Balance/Air Runner would be the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen! But 27 years later, it just looks like your hand is stuck to floor and you are trying to run in circles like a Daffy Duck cartoon.
STEP 2! JUMPING OVER YOUR OWN LEG?!?!? BA-BOOOOOOM! Although I’ve seen middle aged men do this at weddings, it’s a great way to prep for the big finale!
STEP 3! We’ve come this far and now comes the coup de grace! The Round Off Subway Bar Back Tuck! Hell…. you’ve been training for tourists in front of the New York Public Library for weeks, and now is the culmination of all your efforts! Make sure to scare the living shit out of the poor woman that has been desperately trying to ignore you with her face buried in a magazine. Land on both feet, do an awkward elbow bow, walk away smooth.
Here’s a tip: Make sure you are surrounded by little homies, it’s a good way to build confidence & give back to the community.
*** Give it up for the one, the only Champ Creed! He made this bananas video, check out his YouTube page http://www.youtube.com/user/ChampCreed Forever and always, Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Overhead Compartment
Yeah, it’s fine! Just stuff your crap in those bars hanging from the ceiling! Haven’t you ever been on a plane? It’s the same concept, except there is no stewardess or cocktail peanuts. Is it safe?!?!? Does the Pope shit in the woods?!?! OF COURSE IT’S SAFE! If anything goes flying, I got the reflexes of a friggin’ switchblade! I’ll catch it and stuff it back in the bag faster than you can say, “This is a terrible idea!” What do you mean you’ve never seen anyone do this before? Well….neither have I! But that just means we are goddam URBAN PIONEERS!
STOP WORRYING!!! Our pizza will be fine. (Look closely, these idiots did in fact put a pizza up there) Don’t forget heat rises! Since our pizza is so close to the roof of the subway, all that heat is just going to bounce back onto our pie! Hell, it’ll be just as hot as when it came out of the oven. Some people think you get dumber with age, but not me! I’m a four-alarm-fuckin’-GENIUS! Why is everyone looking at us funny?
*** This picture was submitted by the intoxicatingly beautiful Celina Carvajal. Check her out at http://www.CelinaCarvajal.com Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Buffalo Wild Wing!
I can’t think of anything more nutritious/socially acceptable for a kid to be eating on the subway than BUFFALO WINGS! Slather on some WAAAAANG sauce and a couple dippers of BLUUUE CHEEEZE and have at it! Don’t worry about napkins or any semblance of hygiene for that matter, just gross everyone out with your ferocious eating habits and sauce covered fingers! Who says 15% of America’s kids are overweight and that number is increasing at an alarming rate?!?! The American Obesity Association, that’s who! http://www.obesity.org/
Little lady, when your finished don’t concern yourself with throwing out the chicken bones and Styrofoam container. Didn’t your momma teach you, cleaning up after yourself is for LOSERS! Just spike it on the floor like a game winning touch down! Rub your buffalo crusted hands on anything close by and get on with your day! After all that eating, I bet you are ready for a nap! Might as well stretch out on the bench and sleep off those WAAAANGS!
***Put your paws together for Meredith T. and the absolutely repulsive pictures she sent in! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Cutest Couple
They first met about three minutes ago, when the lady reading the paper refused to move her bag and then returned to her Canarsie Digest. The girl with the hat immediately fell in love…or began to have a mental break down like Michael Douglas in Falling Down (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106856/) She wanted to get closer to her new friend, and became jealous of her precious cargo that was taking up a seat. So she playfully…or spitefully…or furiously…wedged herself next to her new BFF!
Look at that body language and crooked smile…to some it may look like simmering anger towards a woman who thinks her bag bought a fucking MetroCard and some how deserves a seat on a crowded train…but I know the real story. It’s a LOVE STORY! Some day these two will laugh about this while carving pumpkins with their grandchildren!
***This photo was sent in by the lovely Victoria J. Thank you for such a beautiful shot! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS WAS YOUR BIG CHANCE!
“Sexual Harassment is a crime in the subway, too!” The MTA’s catchy/frighteningly obvious new slogan has been all the rage with posters and daily announcements. But then whoops! Metro New York reported that a piece of human garbage (those are my words, they used “man”) “…shoved his crotch against a woman then touched her shoulder. The piece of human garbage then walked toward Warren (pictured above) and she shouted ‘Don’t you fucking touch me, you pervert.’ “
The guy was then stopped from boarding another train until the police got there. When they arrived, he continued to fondle himself but the police didn’t arrest him because they said he was “crazy.” OF COURSE! The crazy defense always works in movies, why not reality?
The MTA & NYPD will now be changing their slogan to, “Sexual Harassment is a crime in the subway, too! Unless you act crazy, then you’ll be free to go! No questions asked. Happy Hunting!”
In other news, the lady pictured above is working the modern Annie Hall look. Obviously, she got herself jazzed up for her Metro New York “almost molested” photo shoot. But if someone sent me that same picture but she was on her cell phone, I’d totally write about it!
***I used today Tuesday February 9, 2010 Metro New York. The article was written by Amy Zimmer & the photo was taken by Emily Anne Epstein.
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Movin’ in?
I wasn’t aware today was move in day! Alright, I’ll call the super and see if we can get access to the freight elevators. What kind of cargo are we dealing with? Ahh, miscellaneous plastic bags. Good thing! You can never have too many shopping bags, that’s what I always say! I like how you’ve spread your luggage out. Good way to maximize the space! Let everyone on this 5p.m. rush hour train know tough noogies! YOU NEED THE ROOM!
I hope you don’t mind me asking but what is that fascinating fragrance emanating from your belongings? It’s a delightful mix of bug spray and a sweet and sour medley that I can’t put my finger on but it’s triggering my gag reflex in the most intriguing way! The aroma seems to have enchanted the rest of the train car judging by many of the other passengers holding their noses and making faces like they just sucked a lemon. Who says moving is unpleasant?!?!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Captain Clipper
Wow…is he really….please tell me…GROSS! The puker featured last Monday (http://www.subwaydouchery.com/post/365283120) might not have been drunk at all. He was probably sitting across from ol’ Finger Nails Fred here! The audacity to whip out a pair of nail clippers and give yourself a makeshift manicure on public transit. Just the thought, that as you were walking out the door you made sure you had your keys, your wallet, and your clippers just in case the digits needed a touch up! It is a relief that pictures don’t come with audio because the sound would be enough to turn my spine to glass!
No need to worry about the clippings! Just let them jettison any which way! The rest of us will dive for cover because they are the sanitary equivalent of live grenades! Whatever happened to reading a book, listening to an iPod, or even just blankly staring off into space. The precision on this gentleman’s face during his favorite hobby is enough to make you lose faith in humanity. UNACCEPTABLE!
…and you could fit a Thanksgiving turkey between those legs!
***A round of applause for Brian B. I’ve received lots of pictures of people clipping their nails on the subway. But none captured this atrocity as well as Brian’s. Keep on Douchin’ my man! Keep on Douchin’ ***
DOUCHERY PICK OF THE WEEK!
Hope everyone is having a kick ass Friday! Want to have a kick ass Saturday?!?! Come to LEGION BAR in Williamsburg Saturday night at 7:30pm!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY presents…
THE MACGYVER SHOW hosted by TOM SIBLEY (The jerk that created SubwayDouchery.com)
Featuring:
Jesse Popp (Premium Blend, NY Times, One of the funniest guys in the city)
Michael Terry ( Onion News Network, Super Sexy Salt and Pepper Hair)
Dan Wilbur (COMIX, The Dreams of Angels)
Meg Cupernall (Gotham Comedy Club, Marymount Manhattan Faculty, Sister Act)
Ben Kissel (The Brain & The Beast Podcast, A Gigantic Man with a Gigantic Heart)
Robert Dean (Best set of eye brows a man has ever had)
The beer is cheap as sin! The laughter will be all over the walls!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Welcome to the Sex Train…Feel the Breeze!
Make ‘em say UHHHHH! NA NA NA NAAA! Is it hot on this train or is it the sexual magnetism causing particles to vibrate?!?! This man is sensuality concentrate! I thought I was getting on a 6 train, but I walked in on a dude’s photo shoot…minus a photographer, proper lighting, and worthy subject. This photo inspired John Mayer’s homoerotic Rolling Stone cover. (http://art8amby.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/rolling-stone-feb-04-2010-john-mayer.jpg)
Get those expensive boots all over that seat! Try to make the seat as dirty as your perfectly crushed jeans are supposed to look. Don’t worry, I got gallons of Purell Hand Sanitizer! You’ve had a few drinks and you want to treat public transit like your crushed velvet couch. You are the man women want….to move far away from….and men want to be…sure your not going to hit on them.
*** Photo courtesy of Leonard S. taken on Thanksgiving Day! Hot pic my friend, hot pic! Keep on Douchin’ ***
