SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Captain Clipper
Wow…is he really….please tell me…GROSS! The puker featured last Monday (http://www.subwaydouchery.com/post/365283120) might not have been drunk at all. He was probably sitting across from ol’ Finger Nails Fred here! The audacity to whip out a pair of nail clippers and give yourself a makeshift manicure on public transit. Just the thought, that as you were walking out the door you made sure you had your keys, your wallet, and your clippers just in case the digits needed a touch up! It is a relief that pictures don’t come with audio because the sound would be enough to turn my spine to glass!
No need to worry about the clippings! Just let them jettison any which way! The rest of us will dive for cover because they are the sanitary equivalent of live grenades! Whatever happened to reading a book, listening to an iPod, or even just blankly staring off into space. The precision on this gentleman’s face during his favorite hobby is enough to make you lose faith in humanity. UNACCEPTABLE!
…and you could fit a Thanksgiving turkey between those legs!
***A round of applause for Brian B. I’ve received lots of pictures of people clipping their nails on the subway. But none captured this atrocity as well as Brian’s. Keep on Douchin’ my man! Keep on Douchin’ ***
DOUCHERY PICK OF THE WEEK!
Hope everyone is having a kick ass Friday! Want to have a kick ass Saturday?!?! Come to LEGION BAR in Williamsburg Saturday night at 7:30pm!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY presents…
THE MACGYVER SHOW hosted by TOM SIBLEY (The jerk that created SubwayDouchery.com)
Featuring:
Jesse Popp (Premium Blend, NY Times, One of the funniest guys in the city)
Michael Terry ( Onion News Network, Super Sexy Salt and Pepper Hair)
Dan Wilbur (COMIX, The Dreams of Angels)
Meg Cupernall (Gotham Comedy Club, Marymount Manhattan Faculty, Sister Act)
Ben Kissel (The Brain & The Beast Podcast, A Gigantic Man with a Gigantic Heart)
Robert Dean (Best set of eye brows a man has ever had)
The beer is cheap as sin! The laughter will be all over the walls!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Welcome to the Sex Train…Feel the Breeze!
Make ‘em say UHHHHH! NA NA NA NAAA! Is it hot on this train or is it the sexual magnetism causing particles to vibrate?!?! This man is sensuality concentrate! I thought I was getting on a 6 train, but I walked in on a dude’s photo shoot…minus a photographer, proper lighting, and worthy subject. This photo inspired John Mayer’s homoerotic Rolling Stone cover. (http://art8amby.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/rolling-stone-feb-04-2010-john-mayer.jpg)
Get those expensive boots all over that seat! Try to make the seat as dirty as your perfectly crushed jeans are supposed to look. Don’t worry, I got gallons of Purell Hand Sanitizer! You’ve had a few drinks and you want to treat public transit like your crushed velvet couch. You are the man women want….to move far away from….and men want to be…sure your not going to hit on them.
*** Photo courtesy of Leonard S. taken on Thanksgiving Day! Hot pic my friend, hot pic! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Where did I put it?
Oh honey, you are telling me! I can never find my MetroCard either! Every single time I use it, I just toss it any which way the wind blows! Then next time I’m looking for it, I go through the same old song dance of “Where’s my MetroCard? Is it in my jeans? Is it in my purse? Did those goddam leprechauns steal another one under my nose?” I see no point in consistently putting it in the same place just because that would be responsible and save time. I gotta be me!
Also, just plop that purse anywhere that is convenient for you! You could stand off to the side and not block people from entering or exiting, but who gives a gosh darn about them! THEY ARE NOT YOU! SO TO HECK WITH ‘EM! Just pretend you are rearranging your sock drawer on a lazy summer’s day, and take all the time you need. Hell, I’ll go get us a couple of Diet Cokes and stand in the other entry. Go through my wallet, maybe balance my check book whilst you are lookin’ for that MetroCard!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : CALL GUINNESS!!!
- Why do I suddenly want to kick a field goal?
- You could fit a summer cottage between those things.
- The book he’s reading is autobiographically titled “The Amazing Adventures of Daddy Long Legs : Case of the Big & Tall Men’s Warehouse Sale”
- Although he’s taking up more seats than humanly possible, it’s cool to see a mythical creature in person.
- Favorite film: My Giant starring Billy Crystal & Gheorghe Muresan http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0613837/
- If he were Santa Claus, he could fit the state of Rhode Island on his lap and ask them all what they wanted for Christmas.
- Tall drink of water… more like Enormous Gulp from a Fire Hose! Badabing! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!
-Initially, he sat between two people. When he spread his legs, their bodies were catapulted across the train.
- Talk about “cramming” for a test!
- Is he reading James & The Giant Peach or The Peach & Giant James ?
- Spread Eagle? More like, Outstretched Pterodactyl!
*** Let’s hear it for Alan Maginn for those award winning pic! I’d say Keep on Douchin’ but I already know you are! ***
I’d like to invite anyone to send in their own comment on this one!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : A Call to Arms
From the bottom of my heart, I’d like to thank all the readers and the magical people sending in pics! I’ve started receiving pictures from all over the world, so I’d like to extend a request… if you have friends or you yourself live in a city other than NYC where you are regularly on public transit, start snapping pics! Doesn’t matter if it’s a subway, regional rail line, bus, airplane, rickshaw, you name it! We are open to Douchery in all forms.
For instance, look at the fluffy bits of Douchery pictured above! Are these two taking a train to the most adorable slumber party in the world? Or are they creepy Furries (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=furries) not wearing their animal heads?
*** This picture was sent in by a United States JAG officer stationed in JAPAN! Thanks for the picture! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Thar she blows!!!
We knew it was going to be bad…we did not know it was going to be this bad…All the signs were clearly visible that this human volcano was about to erupt. The sloppy train entrance, vacant googly eyes, the muttering of, “Dude, I’m so fuggin’ drunks..”, the way he plopped himself into the seat like a sweaty sack of potatoes. Some of us wondered, is he a crazytown or a drunk? Is he going to start quoting the Bible or is he going to be sick? Tragically, the worst of our fears came to fruition. The remains of a night on the town and the better part of a Sesame Chicken combo platter cascaded all over the subway floor. We never stood a chance.
The true heroes in this picture are the passengers on either side of Mr. Amateur Hour. Due to the size of the puddle, he clearly has gone through numerous booming heaves. The average passenger would have levitated out of their seats while exclaiming, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!” But not these true believers, they had a seat and come hell or high water (or chunky puddles of puke) they were not giving up their spot! And for that, everyone here at Subway Douchery salutes you!
*** A round of applause for Victor and everyone that made this picture possible! Victor stated, “It was 4:30am the subway cart was packed and at least 10 people took pictures of him.” Thanks for looking out! As always, Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Douchey Pick!
Here’s a hot n’ douchey pick for this Saturday January 30th, 2010 @ 7:30pm!
Free show in Williamsburg at LEGION BAR (790 Metropolitan Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11211 Right off the Graham stop on the L) CHEAP BEER & ABUNDANT LAUGHS!
Do yourselves a favor, and make witness to the latest installment of The MacGyver Show! Now on Saturdays!
Jam-packed with explosions, locked doors begging to be picked, and ingenuity out the ass! Plus, a slate of exciting guest stars, including:
DAN GOODMAN (Caroline’s, Getdangoodman.com)
MIKE LAWRENCE (Comix, New York and Florida Comic-Con)
MICHAEL TERRY (Onion News Network, His upcoming wedding)
DANNY SOLOMON (Breakthru Radio, uhh…)
and
ROGER HAILES (Chappelle’s Show, VH1)
all hosted by the young man himself, TV’s own NEAL STASTNY!
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Mama said there’d be days like this…
I wish children could read the Douchery. First, it would help boost my traffic. Second, they could understand that mothers get tired and the train isn’t a jungle gym. The MTA won’t be handing out juice boxes and no one finds you cute after a full days work. Look at the defeat written all over that poor mother’s body. A slumped head and body language that says, “I’ve given up…they started screaming at 7:45am and now it’s 6:15pm…they haven’t stopped…frankly, they’ve only gained strength…”
At first, you want the mother to discipline her children. After a minute or so, you want to offer her a cocktail and hope a band of pirates take the little rug rats to Neverland. But hopefully, little Bobby is about to learn that the horsey-ride-pole-straddle might not be all the laughs it’s cracked up to be after the train hits a hard curve.
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Sex in Advertising
I don’t want to sound like a prude, but some things are too sexy for the subway. How am I suppose to relax when I have this dangerously decadent man gazing directly into my soul? I try to look away at other advertisements, but he keeps beckoning to come hither with his piercing eyes. I try to read my Dean Koontz but am distracted by his sensual choice in argyle sweaters.
So I close my eyes and think about baseball, but I can hear his call, “I teach…I dooooooo…” What is it that he does? Do I dare ask? Am I ready for the sexual rapture his answer will cause? Janet Jackson once sang, “Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire!” I never understood that lyric, I thought she hated insects. But now, I deeply understand. Some things are too scandalous for the subways.
*** The picture is actually an advertisement for the School of Visual Arts. A great school here in the city and I’ve appeared in many of their student films. Got all the free coffee and donuts that you can shake a roll of toilet paper at! http://www.SVA.edu
