SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Magical Mystery Dude
*sigh* After a long day at the office, spreading fairy dust and leading a fantasy parade down Magic Street, my dogs are barking! Luckily Stuffed Pepperz the Dog isn’t barking. I wouldn’t want everyone on the train to be staring at me like I’m some kind of psycho with a dog! Nothing like a little quiet time on the subway to contemplate costume changes, mystical Shakespeare quotes, and compiling lists of enemies to curse.
I can never remember how many stops to the 4th dimension… also known as Queens Plaza! HA! Kidding! Seriously though, how many stops until Queens Plaza? The only Duane Reade in the city that has Stuff Pepperz favorite treats is a few blocks from there.
*** I came across this picture because I follow @Morgan_Murphy via Twitter. She’s a comedian and writer for Jimmy Fallon. Follow her! She was just interviewed for Comic’s Comic (http://thecomicscomic.typepad.com/thecomicscomic/2010/03/meet-me-in-new-york-morgan-murphy.html#more) where this pic was featured! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : … and the winner is …
Ut oh! Looks like someone had a bit too much fun at the Oscar party! How could you hold back?!?! Katherine Bigelow, the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Director! It’s almost like when Obama won the presidency, except it’s meaningless! No worries, after a few dozen drinks just stretch out on the always comfortable stairs of Penn Station. It’s not illegal or unsanitary or scary…. it’s completely acceptable!
I see you took the proper precautions before sleeping in public. First, you took out your cell phone and placed it next to you. Just in case someone calls, you don’t have to go fumbling into your well fitting pants to retrieve it. Second, comfort is key. Make sure you roll that shirt up and let your gut be FREE! Making sure it has the air that it needs for you to sleep as well as possible. And let’s be honest, it gives all the ladies a flash of coming attractions!
*** The real winner is Christopher B. for sending in this Oscar worthy picture! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Seats are confusing.
I totally agree, sir! Seats are confusing! I never know where my ass is suppose to go, where my legs are suppose to hang, if I should be sitting up right, if I should be hanging up side down like I’m friggin’ Batman, it never ends! The subway seats should have directions so mishaps like this don’t occur. You try to catch a couple of Z’s and end up looking like a confused college Freshman trying to pass out at a frat party.
As each person enters the train and witnesses your makeshift Butthole Field Goal, they completely understand your plight! Who hasn’t found themselves in this precarious position at least once in their lifetime? Where they completely lose all forms of moral and social standards and forget the proper way to sit down!
*** This picture was provided by the one…. the only…. ADAM SCHNEIDER! You can check out his webpage at http://www.AboutSchneider.com You’ve seen him in commercials for sure. Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : God’s Top Representative
Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of my existence? I found myself pondering these very questions and by divine intervention, the good Lord sent his TOP REPRESENTATIVE to answer them all! The naked woman (pictured above) paced the platform muttering pearls of wisdom about Jesus, the apocalypse, and her unique fashion sense. I intrinsically understood that clothing would only cloud her very specific message of…. something. Frankly, my eyes did all the listening.
In the subway system, religious zealots often wear robes and stand on soap boxes screaming that gay marriage is going to make the Earth explode. Scientologists are eager to give back rubs and stress tests. But this Woman of the Faith subscribes to the Less Talk, More Flesh school of religion. I’m sure everyone in heaven is high fivin’ that this future saint is spreading the Word!
*** It’s gettin’ hot in here… so take off all yo’ clothes… A round of applause for Andy S. sending in this steamer of a pic! Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Phenomenal Parenting
“Teach your children well…” Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young
No one ever said parenting would be easy, but these parents make it look effortless! Instead putting their screaming daughter on her own two feet… instead of barring her from making an obnoxious scene… instead of shaming her into silence… they let this three foot terror roll around on PUBLIC TRANSIT FLOORS, which I am sure is about as healthy as drinking water out of a urinal, and completely run/ruin their lives.
Their theory? Let her scream it out! Allow her little lungs to really explore the acoustics of Grand Central Station! Eventually she will realize that Mommy & Daddy don’t approve of this behavior, even though:
1. A crowd of international tourists began to gather around them snapping pictures and taking video.
2. An experienced looking grandmother type (a.k.a a friggin’ STRANGER!) tried to pick their daughter off the ground but was batted off by the child.
3. The police had to get involved!
“… and know they love you!” - Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young
*** This picture came from the Douchery Blue Label Reserve. Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : Losing My Dignity
I can’t believe we are this stuffed! I finally know how these people feel! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk2R_mqV4ts) I’ve lost all humanity. At least no one will have the brass cajones and attempt to get on at the next stop… wait…. what the hell is this girl thinking?!? Unless she used to be a defensive lineman, there is no way she’s going to get on this train. Is she a wizard magically creating space where there is none?
SHE JUST GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK! Listen honey, you are not special. I’ve already swallowed all my dignity just being on this train. There is NOWHERE for any of us to move other than inside of each other. Those doors have to close. This isn’t San Francisco! (http://www.mayoff.com/5-01cablecarDCP01887.jpg) Uncle Jesse and Joey aren’t there as “a hand to hold on to!”
p.s. The Joker called, he wants his jacket back.
*** Today’s picture came from The Douchery Private Reserve Collection. Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : THIS IS HAPPENING!
Okay.. so tomorrow I have to do my laundry, I really need to hit the grocery….OH MY GOD! This is not happening. This can’t be happening. This IS happening. They aren’t really gonna… Oh my god! I am pretty sure I just saw insertion…. Stay calm. Stare straight ahead. Under no circumstances will I look in that direction again…. Oh no! I just looked! That can’t be comfortable! How is he gyrating so much? LOOK AWAY!
Just going to take out my John Grisham and ignore this until the next stop…. wait are they talking dirty? I just heard a groan. I’m gonna be sick… CRAP! I just looked again! My god, I’ve never enjoyed anything as much as these two psychos are enjoying a good bone session on a public train. I wish I could be that uninhibited. NO! They are gross. I want nothing to do with this… Just going to take out my iPod put on some Maxwell and move closer to the free sex show!
*** Wow. Brought to my attention by Tuan. Originally tweeted by@NaeGotChuBusinn Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Limbo Stretch
The hamstrings. Perhaps one of the most important muscles to stretch and BY GOD you make it look EASY! All that’s missing from your pre-workout stretch is a game controller, a bag of Doritos, and a flat screen. Not only are you taking care of your body, you make it look cool…. damn near SEXY! Rocking a mullet, skinny jeans (which you’ve obviously earned the right to wear), and brining back the 80’s androgynous look because I can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl!
If you picked any other train car, you would be considered Grade A JerkMeat for mashing your dirty friggin’ feet all over the bar and limiting passable space for others to enter and exit the train. Lucky for you, this train is filled with professional limbo dancers that would be happy to use your makeshift limbo stick. Are you available for weddings and birthday parties?
*** The douchery is back from Los Angeles, and we got a hot one from Yung! Thanks for the pic, thanks for looking out, and as always Keep on Douchin’ ***
SUBWAY DOUCHERY : The Parisian Walk of Shame
Wow…. we really drank a lot last night! It was so cool of you to sleep on the couch and let me have the bed! SUCH A GOOD FRIEND!!! You were really out cold though… What’s that? Oh, you look fine! No need to check yourself in the mirror. In fact, I’d stay away from all reflective surfaces until we get home! Take a cab? No way! You are looking so good let’s show you off on le metro! I look like crap but you look like you’re going to a swanky french brunch! BEST EUROPEAN VACATION EVER!
Huh? I don’t know why everyone keeps smirking at you. I think you had so much fun last night that you are giving off a glow! The glow of a woman really coming into her own!
*** This champion of a pic came all the way from GAY PAREE! (..paris) From international reader and lady of mystery Liana B. THANKS! Keep on Douche’ ***
